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I didn’t know what to call this article because I didn’t know what the article would be about. That’s just a fact of life with we hack writers. Writes write!

Anyway, I decided to call it Humor: The Funniest Article Ever Written!

That would get me started and I could change the article title later.

But isn’t it funny that:

You add an “h” to “hug,” you get Hugh. Since the “h” is silent in England you would think you would get “hug” right back again. In England is Hugh Grant called Hug? No!

You add an “e” to hop and you get “hope” but if you add an “e” to “to,” you get “toe.” That “e” can change an “ah” sound to “oh” or an “uuh” like in “you” to “oh.” Oh, yes! Add an “e” to “trip” and you get “tripe” and who wants that?

I like Spanish where vowels behave themselves.

And you can spell “rough” as “ruff” both of which are pronounced “ruhf.”

You know what your spell checker will do with “ruhf.

“Ruff” is that “stiffly starched frilled or pleated circular collar of lace, muslin, or other fine fabric, worn by men and women in the 16th and 17th centuries.”

Oh, you play bridge!

I think that we should spell “rough” and “ruff” “ruf”. See http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ruff

Here’s a list of new spellings:

Mississippi Misipee

Utah Utaw (not oohtah, say the “U.”)

Southwest North Mexico

Italians don’t live in Eyetalee. They live in ITally! Theyare not EYEtalians.

Here is a funny article from http://www.iol.ie/~afifi/BICNews/Fun/fun4.htm

English is a Funny Language!

Broadcasted on BICNews 14 October 1997

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple… English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

(courtesy of Giggles)

Here is a poem you will find at http://hnewlands.typepad.com/cardboard_spaceship/2005/09/english_as_funn.html

The Funny English Language

We’ll begin with a box and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural wouldn’t be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

So English, I fancy you will all agree,

Is the funniest language you ever did see.

Well, I guess I’ll keep the title!

The End

Taylor Jones, the Hack Writer

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