Here are a few of the things I absolutely love about the internet…
– I love how every time you use a search engine to search for anything nowadays – every single result you get is a page with text that appears to be either generated by a computer or an illiterate child from somewhere in rural India. Filled with nothing but repetitive keywords. Surrounded on all sides by ad links and menus, and more menus, and even more menus, leading to more and more ad links?
– I love how eBay’s become soooo big that they can afford to have the worst customer service since the Concierge at the Dungeon of the Spanish Inquisition!
– I love Nigerian Royalty and their persistent and valiant attempts to gain restitution for the hundreds of millions of dollars that were so unlawfully stolen from them (or, should I say, kept from them)! These guys can hardly even spell – yet they’ve made a fortune by proving just how stupid and gullible people can be. That’s free-enterprise for you!
– I luv evrytng abt txt-msging! It gives the average dullard that many more ways to look simple and uneducated every single day!
– I love how MySpace has become the third most popular web site in history – and I can’t, for the life of me, think of a single reason why anyone would want to use their site!
– I love how Google has become the online version of the Bush Administration – say one thing and do something completely different! ‘Don’t be evil?’ seems to equate to: ‘Be evil anyways, as long as there’s money involved.’
– I love how my computer has a unique serial number; how my copy of Windows has it’s own unique serial number; and how I connect to the internet with a unique IP address – yet not a single freakin’ web site knows that I’m actually me – and I still have to enter 18 billion passwords sixteen times a day! Really! It’s the 21st century! Come on already!
– I love how the internet has expanded my mind! If it wasn’t for the internet, I might never have known what a goatse was (be sure to take a picture when you try it yourself)!
– I love how the internet exists – yet, people still spend billions and billions of dollars every year on pornography.
– I love how Windows has all these little pop-up windows that appear whenever something goes wrong and give you advice on how to fix the problem. And, I especially love how this advice never, ever, EVER actually solves your problem.
– I love Craigslist – now I’ll never have to search long and hard for penis enlargement pills or prostitutes ever again!
– I love how if I spot a fraudulent eBay auction – and email all the bidders to warn them that the item they are bidding on is actually a fake – it’s not the crooked seller who gets booted off of eBay – it’s me!
– I love how the US and UK Governments are reading every single email on Earth (including every single email you sent this year) – and not a single, solitary person seems to care!
– I love how Wikipedia has garnered a niche as the place to go for an authoritative encyclopedia full of knowledge – yet you never know for sure if what you’re reading is entirely correct…
– I love how they’ve added digital cameras, digital video cameras, instant messaging and email to cellular phones – now they’re four times more annoying than they were four years ago!
– I also love Parents who think it’s perfectly acceptable for their 7 year old to have a cellular phone. Great. Now you can over-parent your children from a distance!
– I love how Google’s only truly relevant result is for the search term ‘miserable failure.’
– I love eBay sellers that manage to find the time to keyword spam a 10,000 word essay into their item description – yet only have the time to add one single (and extremely vague) line about the actual item they are selling.
– I love how every time I click on an ad for ‘mesothelioma,’ somewhere out there, it cost an ambulance-chasing lawyer fifty bucks!
– I love how I can purchase virtually everything I need online and have it delivered straight to my home – DVDs, liquor, groceries, etc… If you spend most of your life online playing role-playing games, don’t worry, you can also order prostitutes online… Now, with social networking sites like MySpace, you don’t even need to have any real-life friends!
And, that is what I love about the internet!